Lawyers should never ask grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand. He approached her and asked; “Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’re a big disappointment to me.

You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?” She again replied, “Why, yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He’s lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes I know him.”

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said: “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you to the electric chair.”

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Ever heard the story of the giant ship engine that failed?  The ship’s owners tried one expert after another, but none of them could figure but how to fix the engine. Then they brought in an old man who had been fixing ships since he was a youngster.

He carried a large bag of tools with him, and when he arrived, he immediately went to work.  He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom. Two of the ship’s owners were there, watching this man, hoping he would know what to do.  After looking things over, the old man reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer.

He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine lurched into life.  He carefully put his hammer away. The engine was fixed.  A week later, the owners received a bill from the old man for Rs. 1,00,000/-:

“What?!” the owners exclaimed.  “He hardly did anything!”

So they wrote the old man a note saying, “Please send us an itemized bill”.

The man sent a bill that read:

Tapping with a hammer………………….Rs. 200/-
Knowing where to tap…………………….Rs. 99,800/-

“Effort is important, but knowing where to make an effort in your life makes all the difference.”

P.S. This applies to human engine as well.

Hi

This is for Sunil who has requested the lyrics for this song.

“yenna thavam seyidhanai yashodha
yenna thavam seyidhanai yashodha
ingum niRai para brammam – ammaa
yendarazhaikka
yenna thavam seyidhanai aaa…

aalanguyil koovum rayil aariraaroa yaelaeleloo
yaavum isai aghumada kannaa (more…)

A soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from his
Girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is
just too great. I’m sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky

The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any
Snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends.

In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures
of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos
In that envelope along with this note:

Dear Becky,
I’m so sorry, but I can’t quite remember who the hell you are.
Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care,
Ricky

Moral of the story :
 
If you can’t change your fate, change your attitude.

1.God is real, unless declared  as an integer.

2. Before borrowing money from a friend, decide whether you need more.

3. Death is hereditary.

4. There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the rightside.

5. An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

6. Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.

7. Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

8. When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.

9. Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

10. Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

11. Well done is better than well said.

12. Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody is looking.

13. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

14. If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

15. Where there’s a will there are five hundred relatives.

16. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Why do a few men never get girl-friends: 🙂

The oft repeated topic. It seems to be a mystery until you really start thinking. One of my personal favorites. Why some men can never fall in love or never get girl friends. Many of us just keep complaining, without thinking on what the inherent problem is.

Thankfully, I did it as a case study and found out some important issues which might concur with a majority of ppl who are rocking the same boat as mine.

1) You always sit in the last bench with the other class comrades who feel that its possible to get marks sitting in last row. In case of workplace, no girls are there in your project and you have like minded ppl like you as colleagues and wherein your entertainment oscillates between the bars and cinema theaters.

2) You obviously cant groove and dance, and dance around in a group in a disc by just shaking your head or grooving your hip. Desi music directors are

your favorites. You cant wait for a bangra number to crop up. Unfortunately, you are too adept at dancing dappankuthu or desi dance, not the americanised western hip hop dance.

3) You perceive discotheque to be a place where you will have a chance to unleash your dancing potential (dappankuthu) and occupy the center stage with 10 other fellow rogues, immediately throwing out the babes from the vicinity of the dance floor. This automatically repels the women from you (they consider you as out of civilization. But, unfortunately we think that we are the only ppl who can really dance)

4) Your Intelliegence quotient mostly can take in just Jackie Chan, Arnold and Stallone flicks. It can take in just action films whose contents can be absorbed. You just can’t take any English Romance films. Desi romance rocks. We invariably are the DDLJ and Hum Aapke Hai Kaun types. Shahrukh, Rajni, Kamal, Mohanlal, Mammotty, Chiranjeevi rock. Tom Cruise is a dud!!! and invariably ***…(obv..its becoz of jealousy)

5) You cant eat Spanish, Chinese foods and your fav restaurant invariably happens to be Saravana Bhavan, Anandha Bhavan, Shanthi-Sagar types. Of coz we cant forget Karpagam Mess, Mami’s kadai and Murugan Idly. We frankly are clueless as to what are Bella Ciao, Wang’s kitchen and things like that, unless we happen to go an a treat organised by the other guyz.

6) You dont see a reason why you have to go to Barristas or Qwiky’s when the local corner “Nair Kadai Chaaya” tastes like nectar and satisfies you more than a Barristas. Lime tea is the best tea to have been invented by an human and you are thankful to nair for providing it to you.

7) Most of the jokes you know are adult jokes which you can discuss only with your other fellow comrades and which again takes the oppurtunity from telling a joke to the girl and impressing her. But when you seriously tell very good jokes, the blondes can’t comprehend. You have to tell some absolutely “Kadi jokes” (terrible bores) to make them laugh, which you try however, will never come close to.

8.) You obviously dont know how to make use of Yahoo Messenger, and you use it to scold your online friends with the best choice of invectives, spread rumours abt other guyz, and ask them to book the latest movie tickets. You unfortunately dont know how to flirt using Yahoo Messenger and are frequently at loss of topics when you want to chat with some girl. Whereas you are deluged with strange topics to discuss with your friend with whom you had lost touch for the past decade or so.

9) While chatting in messenger, you seriously cant start a topic with a member of the oppoisite sex. I have seen guyz chatting with girls purely with emoticons for more than a hour. You can never do that. You will have to crack real dumb jokes to start the conversation or falsely extol them. And bet, you can’t do the following:

Boy : What did you have for breakfast??
Girl : I had idli ….
Boy: Is it??? Same pinch, no back pinch, I too had idli. (he slyly pinches her) and laughs.
Girl : Ouchhh (artificially). It hurts.
Boy: Ohh.. I am sorry and (tries to apologise)………….then says “I had sambhar for idli.”
Girl: (excitedly)..Sambharrrrrrrr………… i had chutney….and giggles…

I swear, I cant tolerate any longer than this……………. And this is not a figment of imagination, by any means. I have seen this…Though I agree there may be exceptions..

10) You cant sing a Bryan Adams, Sting, George Michael’s song. When someone talks about Linking Park, you cannot even imagine who they are and the closest

link you can associate with them is Cubbon Park.

11) You seriously are clueless as to what rock music is.

12) All through college life, you belong to this boyz gang and even in your gang, nobody has a girlfriend. So there is absolutely an absence of the inspirational factor.

With ALL these attributes, it is difficult for guyz like us to fall in love or find a girl. But it is not a sin after all. I guess we are not made for it. We are one among the few in the vanishing tribe. Let us accept that and be proud of that…

At training program for top management.

A well-known motivational speaker gathering the entire crowd’s attention, said,
“The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn’t my wife !”

The crowd was shocked!

He followed up by saying, “That woman was my mother!”

The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well received.

About a week later, one of the top managers who had the training decided to use that joke at his house. He tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy to him.

He said loudly, “The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!”

Naturally, his wife was shell shocked, murmuring.

After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out “… and I can’t remember who she was !”

As expected, he got thrashing of his life time….

Moral of the story: Don’t copy if you can’t paste