thirdperson.JPGSometimes the trust between couples is broken by the introduction of the ‘Third Person’. The third person may not be a person who may be interested in ur partner but a person with whom ur partner shares common ideologies. Sometimes these kind of persons click really quick. Your partner may share some common things with the third person.

But the strength of ur relationship depends strongly on the character of the third person. If the person does not have any special interest in ur partner and just wants to share a good friendship, that person is not a hindrance to ur relationship. But on the other hand if the entry of the third person was due to the interest he/she has in ur partner then there are a lot of chances for ur relationship to go sour. Then we must be mentally strong to step in their relationship and educate our partners about the outcomes of their relationship with the third person.

I would like to site an example that i came across in the net. A young wife found herself attracted to a caring, attentive coworker. The “affair” began. She spent time at his home, and even contrived one overnight at his place. She was falling in love with him and out of love with her husband. In counseling with the husband and wife, it emerged that the husband was using cocaine and physically and emotionally abusing his wife and young child. Rather than face her deteriorating relationship directly, she instead “fell for” someone else. I encouraged the husband and wife to address their relationship. She finally stood up to her husband and told him she had had enough of his abuse. She wanted out. When she got her independence, the affair she was having with her coworker was no longer attractive to her, and ended quite soon. The third party was a symptom of difficulties in the primary relationship.

Trust is easily destroyed and extremely hard to rebuild. As an intimate relationship between loving partners grows, there is the increasing possibility that we can be hurt by this other person to whom we are progressively more open and vulnerable. That same openness and vulnerability makes love and nurture possible. It’s impossible to have intimacy and simultaneously avoid the risk of hurt.

When we trust someone to care for us and not to hurt us, and that trust is violated, there is a period – a long period – in which the partner who has been hurt may not want to make that mistake again. Defensiveness and lack of trust come from not wanting to be hurt again. Even if both are committed to rebuilding the relationship, it may take repeated tests of trustworthiness before trust is restored and defensiveness subsides.